The Silence Between Posts

Hello, everyone. I appreciate you visiting the site and reading my blog; seeing those pretty eyes again is good.

The last time I wrote here was July 20, 2025. That feels like a lifetime ago. Not because life suddenly became calm and uneventful… but because it became the exact opposite. Life didn’t slow down. My mind didn’t slow down. My emotions definitely didn’t slow down. If anything, everything became louder, heavier, more confusing, and more real. And somewhere in the middle of all that noise, I stopped writing here. But I didn’t stop writing. I just stopped writing for the world and started writing for myself. I’ve been journaling a lot lately. Not on my phone, not in notes apps, not in drafts that never get posted. On actual paper. With an actual pen. Like somebody’s grandmother. And surprisingly, it’s been one of the most healing things I’ve done for myself.

There’s something about putting your thoughts on paper that makes me feel real but also lighter. Like, once the words leave my head, they stop haunting me. The only problem is… I now carry my journal everywhere like it’s a newborn baby or some top-secret government file. Because there is a very real fear that my mum might find it and decide to go on a discovery mission through my deepest, darkest thoughts. And honestly, some of the things in that journal are not for public consumption. Not for family consumption. Not even for future-me consumption. But it’s been good. Messy, honest, sometimes embarrassing, but good. And maybe that’s why I haven’t been here. Because this space used to be where I poured everything. But lately, life has been teaching me lessons I didn’t even have the emotional vocabulary to write about yet.

One of the biggest changes is that I don’t really have friends anymore. At least not in the deep, “call me at 2 a.m. and cry on the phone” kind of way. Now it’s mostly acquaintances. People I talk to, laugh with, and see once in a while. But that deep connection? That safe space? It’s not really there. And sometimes I wonder if it’s because of my own bad behaviour. Maybe I was too emotional. Maybe I was too intense. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I pushed people away without even realising it. Or maybe life just happened the way it always does. Still, there’s a certain kind of silence that comes when you don’t have real friends anymore. A void. A quiet space that used to be filled with inside jokes, random phone calls, and unnecessary outings. And sometimes that silence feels peaceful. Other times, it feels like you’re sitting alone in a room that used to be full. But in that same silence, I’ve also been finding God again. Or maybe… I’m just now consciously trying to know Him. I’m not perfect. I’m not suddenly holy or transformed overnight. But there’s a quiet desire in me now to build that relationship. To pray more. To listen more. To be more aware of His presence in my life. And it’s funny how the quietest, loneliest seasons are the ones that push you closer to God. Not because you’re suddenly righteous, but because you’re tired. Tired of carrying everything alone.

Last year, I met someone I can only describe as a beautiful soul. And one of the things she told me has stayed with me ever since: Your emotions don’t control your life. You do. At the time, I didn’t fully understand it. Because I’ve always been an emotional person. I feel deeply. I react deeply. I love deeply. And when things hurt, they really hurt. But now, slowly, I’m starting to understand what that means. It doesn’t mean I should stop feeling. It means I should stop letting every feeling become a decision. I’m learning to sit with my emotions instead of acting on them immediately. I’m learning that being emotional is not a crime, but letting it run my life is exhausting. I’m learning to choose peace, even when chaos feels more familiar. And that’s who I’m becoming now. Not a completely new person. Just a slightly softer, slightly wiser version of the girl I used to be.

I’m still dramatic. Still funny. Still emotional. Still overthinking sometimes. Still trying to figure life out one day at a time. But there’s a quiet strength growing in me. The kind that doesn’t need to announce itself. The kind that just exists.

So this post is not a grand comeback. It’s not a rebrand. It’s not a “new year, new me” speech. It’s just a soft return. Because the truth is, I didn’t stop writing; I was healing in private.

Thank you for reading this far — I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Its China not Chinese 💜🖤❤️